I want to quit breastfeeding!
(Gasp!)
There I said it, and on the internet too, so that means I must mean it! Right??
I love my baby, I do, which is why I am still nursing him- even though he uses me as a human pacifier 20 times a day! (If you think I am exaggerating just follow me around for the day!)
I mean, come on! He is 11 months old for pete's sake!
What I really want is to be able to wear whatever I want- not the clothes that make nursing convenient, but the clothes that fit me right and make me feel like me!
(Gasp!)
There I said it, and on the internet too, so that means I must mean it! Right??
I love my baby, I do, which is why I am still nursing him- even though he uses me as a human pacifier 20 times a day! (If you think I am exaggerating just follow me around for the day!)
I mean, come on! He is 11 months old for pete's sake!
What I really want is to be able to wear whatever I want- not the clothes that make nursing convenient, but the clothes that fit me right and make me feel like me!
I want to be able to wear my shirt without it getting stretched out and wrinkly from the many feedings I do a day.
I want to sleep again.
Through the night.
On my back or on my stomach, however I would like.
With the covers pulled up to my chin all cozied up next to the Hub.
I would love to be able to go somewhere and leave my baby without worrying about him getting hungry or needing me.
Just those few small requests that is all I am asking for. Just normal things every human being wants to enjoy...
But I am weak!
Oh, so weak!
I mean, look at that face!
I have used up all my tough love on the other 4 kids.
I have told myself 4 times in the last month that this is it! This feeding is his last one! But then he cries...
And I start to realize that if this is his last feeding, than it is my last time breastfeeding.
Ever....
And that makes me remember there are other things I want too...
I want to feel close to my baby, to feel his chubby cheek snuggled against me.
To look down at his long lashes drooping closer and closer to those chubby cheeks as he falls asleep.
I want to hear him say "Num, num, num..." when I pick him up and he knows he is going to be fed.
Because I love giving my baby something that only I can give him, something my body, wondrously makes specifically for him.
And I love his warm, little body pressed against me when I wake up in the night and know he is safe, warm, and still breathing.
So, for the next little while I will be a little wishy washy on the subject. I know my time is almost done. I know this phase of my life is almost over... (Tears are being shed as I type this.) But I am going to hold on to it for just a little bit longer. Because having a baby, whether he is the most difficult baby on the planet or the sweetest thing in the universe, is a gift.
And I am so, so blessed.
So, in honor of that, I am going savor every last minute of this precious gift.
I would love to be able to go somewhere and leave my baby without worrying about him getting hungry or needing me.
Just those few small requests that is all I am asking for. Just normal things every human being wants to enjoy...
But I am weak!
Oh, so weak!
I have used up all my tough love on the other 4 kids.
I have told myself 4 times in the last month that this is it! This feeding is his last one! But then he cries...
And I start to realize that if this is his last feeding, than it is my last time breastfeeding.
Ever....
And that makes me remember there are other things I want too...
I want to feel close to my baby, to feel his chubby cheek snuggled against me.
To look down at his long lashes drooping closer and closer to those chubby cheeks as he falls asleep.
I want to hear him say "Num, num, num..." when I pick him up and he knows he is going to be fed.
Because I love giving my baby something that only I can give him, something my body, wondrously makes specifically for him.
And I love his warm, little body pressed against me when I wake up in the night and know he is safe, warm, and still breathing.
So, for the next little while I will be a little wishy washy on the subject. I know my time is almost done. I know this phase of my life is almost over... (Tears are being shed as I type this.) But I am going to hold on to it for just a little bit longer. Because having a baby, whether he is the most difficult baby on the planet or the sweetest thing in the universe, is a gift.
And I am so, so blessed.
So, in honor of that, I am going savor every last minute of this precious gift.
Ugh!!! I tried 3 times to write something profound and wonderful and now it's just meltef into......you have to fly in on you silver linings and help me renovate my swamp of sadness with those skills.
ReplyDeleteUgh..lame. CCOMMENT FAIL.